Saturday, October 23, 2010

Dear Child Birthing Class Instructor Lady

It brings me great joy and relief to tell you that I will not be attending your child birthing class anymore! I would like to take this time to tell you a few things about youself and how I feel about your class.

1.) A woman over 45 should never wear spandex pants - no matter how hot of a grandma you think you are...just saying

2.) If you tell me one more time how wonderful an experience this is going to be and that I should feel every ounce of pain I'm going to slap you in your face!

3.) Deciding to film your birth is a personal choice and I for one will not have a camera shoved up my twat while I push a 8lb human being out of it.

4.) If you’re going to show a video of a woman giving birth - how about get rid of the 1970's hippie video where everyone decided to go natural (where she is smiling at her husband and telling him how wonderful he is) and let's show what really happens in a delivery room. I know for a fact that my other half is going to be beaten and battered by the time we leave that room and everything will be his fault (as it should be).

5.) You should really rethink the hair style - 80's bangs went out with the natural birth thing!

6.) Stop telling me that my child is going to end up with cancer and die if I don't pay a $5,000 deposit and then a $200 yearly banking fee to save his cord blood. I've invested in a deep freezer for $200 and I hear zip lock bags stay good for 5 years - so I think I'm set.. thanks!

7.) If you tell me one more time that stretch marks are a mark of honor and I should be proud to have them - I'll show you the one that popped up on my ass yesterday and you tell me if I should still be proud to have a huge purple line that looks like the guy from SAW III strapped chicken fat to my ass and let a grizzly bear have his way with me.

8.) Please stop showing the class pictures of different sex positions and encouraging us to continue to be intimate at a time like this. I have no desire what so ever to climb my big round ass on top of him (stretch marks, hairiness and all) for 2 min while I think of nothing but.. "Damn does he see how big my nipples are? I wonder if their leaking on him? Do you think he see's that new stretch-mark that showed up over under my thigh? I bet I have boogers in my nose, oh and i'm sure he's loving the new growth this pregnancy brings."

9.) Keagles - Did you really have to announce to the class that you still do them and that if we ever see you at a red light we can probably guess what you’re doing in your seat. GROSS! Thanks for the visual asshole.

10.) Thanks for showing gross and disgusting pictures of huge women breast feeding their children in public places and letting the class know that if you squeeze or play with them that they may leak. I thought it was hard to get my other half to fondle them before.. I'll be hard-pressed to get a grab and go anymore!

In closing I would like to say... Take your 80's hair style wearing, red light keagle practicing, cord blood aficionado,  pregnant sex promoting, spandex wearing ass back to 1970's where you can pawn some of this BS of on someone who will listen because I'm officially done!

Scared as shit new mother to be